Did
Jesus’ statement ever strike you as strange?
In
the Lord’s prayer, there seems to be a condition in Jesus’s teaching about
forgiveness.
“Forgive
us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Matthew 6:12.
But
then, Jesus commented, “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your
heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive men their
sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14, 15. I have
often struggled with this commentary. It’s obviously about relationships, hurt
feelings. But is God’s forgiveness toward us conditional on our forging others?
Doesn’t God always forgive, redeem, and transform?
The
Bible doesn’t avoid topics we find uncomfortable. All too often, we find
ourselves in a painful situation. Maybe a family member or a brother or sister
in the local congregation made a comment we found distasteful. What they did
hurt us and offended us! Soon, we talk about it with someone. Afterward, we get
hurt again, and a simple disturbance is now dissatisfaction!
We
get offended! And if things don’t get sorted out, then we dislike that person
enough to stop talking with him or her. We don’t include them in our conversations
or invitations to our homes. Things can escalate. When they do, we find
ourselves gradually separating from that brother or sister, or even a whole
group of people, by now. An actual conflict has taken hold.
In dealing with conflicts, I’ve used a simple chart to discern how far along heightened emotions have come. Where do you start? (This chart is not mine; I can’t recall who created it!)
In Stage 1, we live well with everyday
conversation and discussion.
At Stage 2, conflict grows into irritation.
In Stage 3 conflict, irritations take on sinful contours. This may include anger,
frustration, loud discussions, a party spirit, rage, bitterness, brawling,
slander, and malice, then the ground is set for separation. Sinful behavior now
holds us in its grip. (Ephesians 4:31,32)
At this point, it’s
time to pray the Lord’s prayer!
Before
we get into Stage 4 Conflict! We need repentance. “Forgive me for my debt
as I have forgiven my debtors.” The common
phrase is, “it takes two to tango.” How hard it is to step back! We need to ask
the Lord to show us our heart condition the way he sees it! We need to
apologize. We need reconciliation. Ephesians 4:32 states it best: “Be kind
and compassionate toward one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ
God forgave you.”
I wrote an entire novel about this topic.
In Inn of the Open Door: A Chronicle of Philadelphia, a Jewish woman,
Abigail, is still traumatized by the death of her children in the destruction
of Jerusalem. Her niece, Miriam, has married a Roman soldier, the very picture
of her enemies. This story, set in the Seven Churches of Revelation, examines
steps bringing the families to forgiveness and reconciliation.
C. S. Lewis wrote:
One man may be so placed that his anger
sheds the blood of thousands, and another so placed that he will only be laughed at however angry he gets. But the little mark on the soul may be much the
same in both. Each has done something to himself which, unless he repents, will
make it harder for him to keep out of the rage next time he is tempted and make the rage worse when he falls into it. If he seriously turns to God, each of them can have that twist in the central man straightened out again; in the long run, each is doomed if he will not. The bigness or
smallness of the thing, seen from the outside, is not what really matters. [1]
In everyday conflict situations, we need the humility to forgive others and admit any wrongdoing on our own part. Holding onto grudges impedes the restoration of broken
relationships. We would do well to heed
Paul’s admonition in 2 Corinthians 13:11:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice!
Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, and live in
peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”
Apologies matter! When conflicts arise,
let’s once more pray the Lord’s Prayer.
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